This is an excerpt from Noah Smith's adaptation of THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES. The complete script is available by clicking HERE.
(The scene is the exterior of the Imperial Palace, sort
of a front-yard setup. It is ornate, formal, of a period
somewhere between the middle ages and last week. The
most prominent feature is a fashion show-style runway.
This is used for, well, fashion shows, primarily. At
its upstage end is a curtained arch, leading offstage.
Somewhere else, another door leads into the palace.)
ACT 1
(JOHNNY and SUSIE enter from the audience. JOHNNY spies
the palace.)
JOHNNY
Susie! Here it is! The Imperial Palace! This is
where we are going to strike it rich!
SUSIE
You say that every time, Johnny, and so far we've
been chased out of every kingdom on this continent.
(They head for the stage.)
JOHNNY
But every time we've had gold in our pockets when we
left. And, from what I hear, oh dearest sister of
mine, this particular empire is especially rich and
especially gullible. Whatever scam we pull here
will go over perfectly! We'll trick these poor
fools out of their money in no time!
SUSIE
Don't you ever get tired of being a thief?
(At the word "thief." RAGS, the dog, bounds on stage,
barking. RAGS is played by a person in a costume, not
a real dog. RAGS will be referred to by the male
pronoun in stage directions, but the character may be
played by an actor of either gender. RAGS is wearing
stylish "doggy clothes" over his fur.)
JOHNNY
Oh great! A guard dog! Down doggy! Down! We're
not really thieves! We're just swindlers and scam
artists -- we lie and cheat, but we don't really
steal.
SUSIE
This isn't a guard dog, Johnny. It's just a puppy!
Hey puppy, hey puppy. Who's a cute little puppy?
Who's a doggy?
(RAGS points at himself to indicate that he is a doggy.)
Yes, I know you're a --
(RAGS gives her a ball that had been preset on stage.)
You want to play fetch? Okay. Go get it!
(SUSIE throws the ball offstage. RAGS goes after it.)
Johnny, I like this place better than the other ones
already.
JOHNNY
Don't get too used to it. We're not staying long.
SUSIE
Johnny, do we have to pull yet another one of these
scams where we show up in a country, pretend to be
experts in something, trick people out of their
money, and leave town in three days?
(RAGS comes back with a bigger ball.)
JOHNNY
Here you go, boy!
(Throws the ball.)
SUSIE
What if we just settled down here and started normal
lives?
JOHNNY
"Normal lives"? What's wrong with our lives now?
The open road! The thrill of the chase! Where else
could I have held thirty fake jobs in a year?
(RAGS returns with an even bigger ball.)
SUSIE
Are these balls getting bigger?
(RAGS shrugs and SUSIE throws the ball again. RAGS
chases it offstage.)
JOHNNY
Remember when I pretended to be a chef, and I was
Johnny Saltenpepper? Or when I posed as an
architect, Johnny Hammernail?
SUSIE
Yeah, or when you were a weatherman, Johnny
Stratocumulus. Johnny, I'm sick of it!
(RAGS comes back on. SUSIE scratches his ears.)
JOHNNY
No ball this time?
(RAGS mimes that the ball would have been way too big.)
All right, Sooze. If you don't want to be a
swindler anymore, what do you want to do?
SUSIE
Something positive for the community. Like, maybe
I could be a veterinarian.
(RAGS panics.)
No, no! I'd be a nice one! I'd give doggy treats
after every visit.
(All is forgiven.)
JOHNNY
A veterinarian? It's like I don't know you anymore!
We're swindlers! That's what we do!
SUSIE
But this is not what Mom and Dad wanted us to do
when they sent us into the real world to seek our
fortunes! They wanted us to get jobs and raise
families and --
JOHNNY
Oh come on! Don't tell me you want to marry some
nine-to-five schmoeburger, move to the suburbs, and
have 2.5 kids!
SUSIE
I don't know, maybe! Maybe I'd like to get married,
if I meet the right guy.
(RAGS responds to this.)
I said maybe I'd like to get married, puppy.
(RAGS starts barking as he dashes off.)
JOHNNY
What's he doing?
(RAGS runs back on, dragging PRINCE CUMMERBUND-JODHPURS
behind him.)
PRINCE
Rags! What is it, Rags? What's wrong?
(RAGS pushes PRINCE so he almost crashes into SUSIE.)
SUSIE
Hi.
PRINCE
Hi.
SUSIE
Is this your dog?
PRINCE
Yeah. Rags is É uh É the name. Were you playing
with -- ?
SUSIE
Well, yeah, is that okay?
PRINCE
Oh, sure.
SUSIE
'Cause I love dogs, and --
PRINCE
Oh, me too, I mean of course, 'cause I have one.
SUSIE
Yeah, I would hope that --
(SUSIE and PRINCE laugh.)
EMPRESS
(Her voice calls from offstage.)
Cummerbund-Jodhpurs!
PRINCE
Oh! That's my mother. She had something she wanted
to tell me about. I should go.
SUSIE
Oh, well, don't let me keep you. My name's Susie.
PRINCE
My name's É Cummerbund-Jodhpurs, uh É Prince
Cummerbund-Jodhpurs, I guess. Uh É bye.
(PRINCE goes.)
SUSIE
Oh no! That was the Prince! And I looked like an
idiot!
(RAGS consoles her.)
JOHNNY
Don't sweat it, Sooze. You usually look like an
idiot.
(SUSIE starts to respond.)
Do you have a crush on the Prince?
SUSIE
No, I just --
JOHNNY
You're in lo-ove.
SUSIE
No, I'm not.
JOHNNY
Susie and the Pri-ince, sitting in a tree!
K-I-S-S-I-N-G --
SUSIE
Johnny!
(MUSIC, off.)
JOHNNY
Ooh! Someone's coming! Hide, and we can figure out
what scam to run this time, Mrs. Prince.
(JOHNNY and SUSIE dash into the audience and hide among
them, JOHNNY making mocking kissing noises along the
way. RAGS tries to follow.)
SUSIE
No, Rags, you don't have to hide. You live here.
JOHNNY
Oh, Princey! I love you!
SUSIE
Siddown, Johnny!
(PENNYLOAF, the Mistress of the Revels enters. (She was
the one the entrance music was announcing.))
PENNYLOAF
Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Imperial
Fashion Show! I am Pennyloaf, Mistress of the
Revels, and, coincidentally, the designer of all the
clothes you'll see today! How do you like my
outfit?
(She spreads her arms to show off what she's wearing.
RAGS embraces her.)
Not now, Rags! Down, Rags! Down! Look! Go fetch!
(Throws a mime ball offstage. RAGS chases off after it.)
That dog falls for that every time.
JOHNNY
An invisible ball! Hmm.
PENNYLOAF
Where were we? Ah, yes. Let's meet our models and
photographers, shall we?
(She claps her hands.)
Models! Photographers! Come out! Our audience is
very large, today!
MODELS
(Yelling in chorus from offstage)
We're not coming out!
PENNYLOAF
You have to come out! It's showtime!
PHOTOGRAPHERS
(Yelling in chorus from offstage)
We don't want to!
PENNYLOAF
Come out right now, or I'll tell the Emperor!
(The MODELS and PHOTOGRAPHERS grumble their way on
stage.)
MODELS
We do this every day!
PHOTOGRAPHERS
And twice on Tuesdays!
PENNYLOAF
Now look! Do you think I like this? My job used to
involve planning parties and concerts and theatrical
productions. Now I spend all my time knee-deep in
sequins. I hate it, too. But this Empire is the
Fashion Capital of the World! And our Emperor is
the most stylish man in all creation! If he wanted
three fashion shows a day, we'd do them, like it or
not!
(EMPEROR PANTALOON I sticks his head out of the curtain.)
EMPEROR
Pennyloaf! Why haven't we started the show yet? I
want to show everyone my new suit!
PENNYLOAF
Right away, your imperial majesty!
EMPEROR
Ooh! Jolly good!
(The EMPEROR ducks his head back behind the curtain.)
PENNYLOAF
Places, everyone! Places!
(The MODELS and PHOTOGRAPHERS scramble into place.)
JOHNNY
(Standing)
Hey, Sooze! I think I'm getting a plan!
SUSIE
That's great, Johnny. I can't tell you how excited
I am.
(JOHNNY sits again.)
PENNYLOAF
Now! We can begin! Welcome to the Imperial Fashion
Show! Today, like every day, we'll be seeing
designs by me, Pennyloaf, Mistress of the Revels.
First up is --
(PENNYLOAF is interrupted by the entrance of BRYANNA and
her MOTHER, two modern-day characters, bursting on
stage. MOTHER carries a picnic basket.)